Shitty New Year’s Resolutions (that are easy to achieve)

December 27, 2016
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By Tristan Sherlock


Every New Year begins with a bunch of people gathering around telling each other lies about what they’re going to do differently in this new year. “I’m gonna get fit this year,” “I’m going to get a hot girlfriend this year,” “I’m gonna do this,” “I’m gonna do that,” yeah, yeah, yeah; blah, blah, blah. Year after the year it’s lie after lie. So, this New Year a special someone (me) is going to help you out by giving you realistic New Year’s resolutions you can actually keep:


  • Drink less water

Water is boring anyway. Who wants water when they can have Vodka? The answer: no one. And guess what they’re both clear liquids anyway, so they’re probably just as good for you as each other.


  • Don’t go camping

Why go camping when you can poo in your own house? This seems like an easy one.


  • Fail all your classes

You were going to anyway. You may as well try to fail. And if you succeed then maybe that just means you’re really smart – or not because you failed your New Year’s Resolution.


  • Don’t go to the gym

It’s a waste of money. No one even likes exercising – it hurts. Anything is better than exercise. Lava surf instead, it’s much more fun.


  • Support the Gay Agenda

Do I need to explain this one?


  • Summon Satan

He’s a good therapist. Trust me. He helped me through a lot of problems.


  • Catfish someone for money

We all need more money.


  • Kick a homophobe

Kick all bad people. They deserve it.


  • Slash someone’s tires



  • Make a meme

It doesn’t even need to go viral. Just make a meme it’s not hard. Actually I have no idea, I’ve never made a meme. Ever. At least I don’t think so.


  • Send me $100,000+

I need it.


  • Unfollow Kylie Jenner on Instagram

We all should’ve done it ages ago. *


  • Play Russian Roulette (with guns)

This one sounds fun to me. I may even join you. My therapist says I need to start taking more risks.


  • Support Beyoncé

Even though Queen B doesn’t need it you should do it. If someone were to Run the World, it’d be her. Honestly, I shouldn’t need to tell you this, you should just be Crazy in Love with her until the End of Time.


  • Sin

We’re all going to hell anyway. Just go all out. (My therapist wrote this)


  • Time Travel

Another one that just sounds fun.


  • Vote for me in the student election

Okay so I think I should tell you all I’m running for 2018 Guild President and I need your votes. I will be running under ‘Deactivate’.


  • Host a dinner party in a prison

My aunt says prisons would make great places for dinner parties; trust me she would know.


  • Take Natural Selection into your own hands

It’s coming for them anyway, may as well speed up the process.


  • Be a better person

Y’all suck ass. Also, it’s not hard. Apologise or something.


*This list was for comedic purposes only and was not meant to harm you in any way, please don’t sue me Kylie


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