By Tristan Sherlock
Every New Year begins with a bunch of people gathering around telling each other lies about what they’re going to do differently in this new year. “I’m gonna get fit this year,” “I’m going to get a hot girlfriend this year,” “I’m gonna do this,” “I’m gonna do that,” yeah, yeah, yeah; blah, blah, blah. Year after the year it’s lie after lie. So, this New Year a special someone (me) is going to help you out by giving you realistic New Year’s resolutions you can actually keep:
- Drink less water
Water is boring anyway. Who wants water when they can have Vodka? The answer: no one. And guess what they’re both clear liquids anyway, so they’re probably just as good for you as each other.
- Don’t go camping
Why go camping when you can poo in your own house? This seems like an easy one.
- Fail all your classes
You were going to anyway. You may as well try to fail. And if you succeed then maybe that just means you’re really smart – or not because you failed your New Year’s Resolution.
- Don’t go to the gym
It’s a waste of money. No one even likes exercising – it hurts. Anything is better than exercise. Lava surf instead, it’s much more fun.
- Support the Gay Agenda
Do I need to explain this one?
- Summon Satan
He’s a good therapist. Trust me. He helped me through a lot of problems.
- Catfish someone for money
We all need more money.
- Kick a homophobe
Kick all bad people. They deserve it.
- Slash someone’s tires
- Make a meme
It doesn’t even need to go viral. Just make a meme it’s not hard. Actually I have no idea, I’ve never made a meme. Ever. At least I don’t think so.
- Send me $100,000+
I need it.
- Unfollow Kylie Jenner on Instagram
We all should’ve done it ages ago. *
- Play Russian Roulette (with guns)
This one sounds fun to me. I may even join you. My therapist says I need to start taking more risks.
- Support Beyoncé
Even though Queen B doesn’t need it you should do it. If someone were to Run the World, it’d be her. Honestly, I shouldn’t need to tell you this, you should just be Crazy in Love with her until the End of Time.
We’re all going to hell anyway. Just go all out. (My therapist wrote this)
- Time Travel
Another one that just sounds fun.
- Vote for me in the student election
Okay so I think I should tell you all I’m running for 2018 Guild President and I need your votes. I will be running under ‘Deactivate’.
- Host a dinner party in a prison
My aunt says prisons would make great places for dinner parties; trust me she would know.
- Take Natural Selection into your own hands
It’s coming for them anyway, may as well speed up the process.
- Be a better person
Y’all suck ass. Also, it’s not hard. Apologise or something.
*This list was for comedic purposes only and was not meant to harm you in any way, please don’t sue me Kylie