Valentine’s Special: Useful Valentine’s Day Tips That Are Useful

February 14, 2016
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By Rhys Tarling

Valentine’s Day is approaching, so you know what that means: find a date or await the cool embrace of a lonely death.
There isn’t much of a “dating culture” in Perth as such, but let’s pretend for the sake of hypothetical situations (and me getting paid to write a thing) that you’re interested in a couple of ideas for a successful Valentine’s Day date. How do you get a date, though? Damned if I know, but it seems to be a thing that kind of happens to us all, like a bad hair day or a case of the crabs.
This is strictly for people who secured a “Yes,” or the more likely, Well-Shit-I-Got-No-Other-Plans-And-You’re-Not-A-Total-Troll Shrug.

Let’s assume this one is for a first date. Naturally, the best idea for a first date is to see a movie. Movies are perfect for such an occasion – every time you or your date open their mouth and say things it’s another opportunity to demonstrate your ignorance or bad sense of humour and/or breath, so why not let the screen speak while you two sit passively for two hours and learn probably nothing about each other.
Also, February is the prime dumping ground for beige flicks, so you and your date are likely to leave the theatre feeling not terribly rattled, or much of anything.
Sidebar, it’s a normal thing to not feel much of anything on a first date – you’ll be far too busy throwing mangled pieces – the entirety of your personality –  at a wall and praying to Jesus, Mohammad, and Buddha that something sticks.

This one’s for folks who are feeling a little bold and have been on a few dates already.
Reserve a table at a super fancy restaurant. For dinner, of course. This will lure your date into a particular sense of security – the kind of security where they’re sure you won’t bombard them with invasive and obnoxious questions.
The next step is to bombard them with invasive and obnoxious questions. Ex lovers, religion, politics, favourite Beatle – anything that is a button and hot, mash it like a madman. The answers aren’t so important as their reactions are – if they react with grace to your awfulness and still stick around, you can be sure they’ll be able to, and probably want to, handle the hot mess that is you. Or maybe they just really like the food. Who knows! Dating is goofy and complicated.

If these two ideas are a bust and your date leaves, it’s nothing to feel sad about. The odds will always be in your favour; just look at all the people copulating and overpopulating the earth – alcohol and crippling insecurity can’t be holding all of them together, right? Right.

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